The rain was torrential, bucketing down as though a thousand of them were held by giant sun-haters, pouring its watery contents onto the ground. The skies were some sort of grey – not quite dark grey but a few shades short of it. In this land things happened suddenly, much like non-committal traffic lights who never seem to choose a colour it likes. There were many names bestowed upon this place but no one ever thought to ask the inhabitants what it was called. Some yelled ‘HELL!’ whilst others named it the Abyss. Some called it Hades but they didn’t know that that was actually the name of my distant cousin – a big personality yes, but not big enough to have the place named after him. To most people, it is the netherworld. It’s all a big load of waffles… chocolate waffles I think. If anyone would have asked me, rather than run screaming all sorts of hurtful words at me, I would have told them that most of us call this place Home.
Not many people come to visit. And for those that do, they don’t seem to want to stay very long. They make up all these excuses why they should go back. They even promise to not do certain evil deeds again. I try to explain to them that it takes time to get used to. I tell them that there’s beauty in exploding rocks and molten lava, unending quakes and fissures because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But does anyone ever believe me? We can leave this as a rhetorical question. So you may have heard about me when I appeared in a cool story a while back. I think I played the role well but it was a shame they gave me only a few lines. And did I mention how they stereotypically made me as the bad guy? Me? The bad guy? Come on! I do charity work for goodness… or should I say badness sake? And no one seems to believe that I was born a tomato lover. I think my parents ate them so much that it made my skin the same colour. I’m not complaining ok.
So yesterday Grim came over wanting some ice. My jaw dropped to the floor as my trident slipped from my grasp and fell on my foot. I jumped and yelled as though some small, round, red, evil-looking piglet was jumping and yelling. We stared at each other not knowing what to say after seeing such a boisterous performance by yours truly.
‘Why, may I ask, DO YOU NEED ICE FOR?’ I asked politely.
‘Tea. Lemon. Lemon tea. But I would much prefer ice lemon tea. And you know how ice lemon tea just ain’t ice lemon tea without… where was I? Oh yeah that’s right! Would you happen to have some ice?
‘Surely you haven’t been living in a fireball for the last 10 eons. When was the last time anyone here had any ice?’
‘Oh yeah that’s right. Silly me. No wonder this ice lemon tea never tasted any good’
After that he didn’t speak a single word. He flipped his dark black hood (it’s a type of black that when a pack of ordinary black colours walk by point and say ‘Damn! Ive never seen something that black before’) over his head, whistled the latest One Direction song and made his way back to his house. Neighbours are funny sometimes. You live next to them for so long that you never really get to understand them. Once I saw Grim drink but for some reason it made his face wet. Go figure.
I’m going to sign off here. I just wanted to give you a little introduction to the place I call Home. If you put aside the screaming and yelling, it really is a wonderful place. Hey! Do you reckon they would cast me in another Stinky the Pig story? Really? Wow, you’re way too generous. But don’t go too far. I’ll be back to tell you more about me, my family and everything else there is to know!